Dear Past Self,
I have been reading your posts, the ones I thought were rubbish before I read them. In one post you said you felt like you were screaming at the world and no one could hear you. Well, I heard you. Those past posts were real thought and emotion. So please past self, don't delete them.
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No matter how hard I try, I'm still having troubles believing in God. I want to so badly! I want to believe that there is someone who loves and forgives everybody, someone who knows my past present and future, that there are angles protecting me always, that no matter how alone I am I won't be alone, that there's somewhere after death, that someone created this wondrous and breath taking universe, that there is a reason that wars are started over religion, that there is a reason people meet every week to worship something they can't see. I want to know and to believe but there is always something pulling me back.
I talked to my friend about this and she said that despite the fact she acted confident about God, she wasn't. She doesn't totally agree with the Bible and that she thought everyone portrayed God differently. That it was all up for interpretation. I feel like she was trying to help me in some way but that really just made me think: Wow then that means we just use God as whatever and however we need him. I almost feel like religion means nothing to people in America. Others see God as a beacon of hope and something sturdy to cling to but all I do is sit and wonder about his existence. I mean I was brought up being taught that the Bible was God's truth and we should follow it always but some of the things in there...ugh. How can you doubt the Bible and trust that you are doing the right thing? What if your translation of the Bible is incorrect? I don't even consider myself a Christian anymore - I have no idea what to believe in. I guess you could call me Agnostic...I hate labels but at the same time I find comfort in them. =/
-Laura
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